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Monday, September 01, 2014  |  115 Days Until Christmas
   
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Stories, Poems and Humor
Left Book Christmas One Liners
by Unknown
Right Book

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Remember to use these one-liners in your Christmas parties, it's great fun:

What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?

The letter "D".


What did Adam told his girlfriend on December 24th ?

It's Christmas! Eve.


What did the guest sing at Eskimo's Christmas party?

...Freeze a jolly good fellow..


What do you call a polar bear wearing ear muffs?

Anything you want. He can't hear you!


What do reindeer have that no other animals on earth have?

Baby reindeer.


What do you call a chicken at the North Pole?

Lost.


What kind of pine has the sharpest needles?

A porcupine.


Whose Christmas parties are full of screams?

Dracula's.

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up?
Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!

What do you get when you cross a penguin and an alligator?

I don't know, but don't try to fix its bow tie!


How does Mickey Mouse get around during the winter?

Mice skates.


Where does Frosty the Snowman keep his money?

In a snow bank.


What happened when Santa's cat swallowed a ball of yarn?

She had mittens.


Did you know that all the angels in Jesus' heavenly choir had the same name?

Sure, haven't you ever heard the song, "Hark,
the Harold Angels Sing"?


What is Santa's favorite breakfast cereal?

Frosted Flakes.


What is Frosty's favorite breakfast cereal?

Snow Flakes.


How does Santa Claus take pictures?

With a North Pole-aroid camera.


Where is the best place to put your Christmas tree?

After your Christmas one and your Christmas two.


What would a Japanese tourist in Alaska wear?

An Eskimono.


What do you call it when your Christmas tree explodes?

A tannen-bomb. (tannenbaum)


What is red and white and goes up and down and up and down?

Santa Claus stuck in an elevator.


Why is Santa a good race car driver?

Because he's always in the pole position.


Who carries all of Santa's books?

His books elf. (book shelf)


What's red and green and guides Santa's sleigh?

Rudolph the red-nosed pickle.


What do you call a polar bear that steals icebergs from other polar bears?

An ice-burglar.


How do you know if there is a reindeer in your refrigerator?

The hoofprints in the butter!


Why does Santa Claus have three gardens?

So he can Ho-Ho-Ho.


What happens when Frosty the Snowman gets dandruff?

He gets snowflakes.


What kind of food do you get when you cross a blizzard with a polar bear?

A brrr-grrr! (burger)


What's red and white and red and white and red and white?

Santa Claus rolling down a hill.


What did the sheep say to the shepherd?

Seasons Bleetings!


Where did the mistletoe go to become rich and famous?

Holly-wood.


What does Frosty the Snowman take when he gets sick?

A chill pill.


What does Santa Claus use when he goes skiing?

A North Pole.


What do you call a cow in Alaska?

An Eski-moo.


Why did Frosty go to live in the middle of the ocean?

Because snow man is an island.


I know, I know. I know that people say, "It's the thought that counts, not the gift... but couldn't people think a little bigger?


Sometimes I get the feeling that if Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist!

Santa Claus is a jolly fellow! Imagine all that driving and still being able to say, "Ho! Ho! Ho!"

My friend, Rick, is a paramedic here in Miami. A few years ago he answered a call about a man who had a head injury he got when some teenagers were throwing eggs at cars. It seems that the egg had come through the open window of the man's car as he was driving at about 45 mph. He had a large swelling on his forehead. In the official report, Rick described the incident as an "egg-noggin".

Billy: How come you never hear anything about the tenth reindeer, Olive?
Tilly: Olive?
Billy: Yeah, you know... Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names...

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying skills to the test. The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and even Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun. "What's that for!?" asked Santa incredulously. The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

A little boy returned from Sunday School with a new perspective on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he just had to tell his parents: "I learned in Sunday School today all about the very first Christmas! There wasn't a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys!" And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around."

The wife is shopping for Christmas gifts, With purchases little and large; She doesn't believe in Santa Claus... But she believes in Master Charge!



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